It has been going on since Old Testament times. . . people not minding their own business . . . people making false allegations against others for selfish desires . . . and it can be particularly difficult when it is your spouse's own family doing the meddling and tall-tale telling.
We will start though, by pointing out that these actions are sinful and rebellious against God Himself. God speaks forcefully against these specific sins.
Most people know the "Thou shalt not bear false witness", as it is one of our basic Ten Commandments given by God (Exodus 20:16). However, additionally, Matthew, Mark, Luke and Paul all reiterated this commandment in their books (obviously it was an issue that needed to be addressed repeatedly!). What most people do not realize, is that God calls for a specific punishment for those who bear false witness, recognized in Deuteronomy 19. God demands a false witness receive the punishment that would have been given the falsely accused! WOW! . . . yes, God is forgiving, but first, he is JUST!
Not so many people recognize that God is also vehement about people minding their own business! Really? Oh, yes! 1 Thessalonians 4:11 tells us, "...to be quiet, and to do your own business,...". As this verse is explained on BibleGateway.com: "Those who are busy-bodies, meddling in other men's matters, have little quiet in their own minds, and cause great disturbances among their neighbours. They seldom mind the other exhortation, to be diligent in their own calling, to work with their own hands. Christianity does not take us from the work and duty of our particular callings, but teaches us to be diligent therein."
Additionally, Proverbs 20:19 is a warning to not hang out with people who gossip, or "tale-bear".
So, the Bible clearly teaches not to bear false witness, to not gossip, and to mind your own business . . . but what do we do when our in-laws are doing this?! I completely understand your position. I have been dealing with this for years with my in-laws. So, here is the advice:
#1: Do not attack your husband for what his family keeps doing: Use the golden rule to try to understand how terribly you would feel if it were your own family who betrayed you. (this certainly goes both ways if it is your family that has become the outlaws).
#2: Follow Mrs. Peale's advice when speaking to your spouse about in-laws. She comments, "Norman and I were lucky in that from the start we agreed to discuss our feelings about the other's parents openly and honestly - in private. We agreed not to get angry or defensive when the subject of in-laws came up, but to treat it as a kind of good-humored verbal pillow-fight in which either of us could say anything within reason and not do any damage to the fabric of our own marriage. And it was amazing how often the appraisal voiced was accurate, but never admitted by either of us to ourselves previously. . . . such openness between Norman and me always brought us closer together and made for a depth of understanding that was a great experience every time it happened." *** Yes, poor in-laws should not hurt your marriage, they are actually another opportunity to build strength, love and understanding in your own marriage!***
#3: Investigate to decide exactly how outlaw-ish your in-laws have become. Use facts and real evidence . . . you don't want to be guilty of just over-responding to gossip.
#4: Make an appropriate plan of how to deal with your in-laws.
A. The busybody: (Most in-laws fall into this category) If the in-law is a meddle-some busybody who steals precious time and energy from your family by filling your time with all the tiny details of their life, wanting to get into all the details of yours and picking bizarre arguments, you may be able to team up with your husband and create a plan for how to handle the offender in these different situations . . .it can be worked through. Mrs. Peale gives great examples in her book of how to deal with this type of situation. I love how she recommends a young lady (whose mother-in-law tries to run her house during visits) put her mother-in-law to work doing all the things she does not like to do, and is thus able to put her mother-in-law's over-bearing personality to good purpose helping around the house. Both women were thus satisfied.
B. The Know-It-All: (Some in-laws fall into this category) If the in-laws are never happy with how you treat your husband, how you parent your children, how you act, where you work, and are always are trying to force you to do things their way (by direct or subtle means), you should be most careful. Sometimes they are honestly trying to help. But, other times, they end up with custody of the children (or more common, just a favored child) because they are willing to lie and/or spend more money than you can to do so. Again, speak to your husband and put a plan in place to protect your family from being bullied or even torn apart by these selfish, and often overly-co-dependent people.
C. The Active Offender: (A few in-laws, including mine, fall into this category) If your in-law has already crossed the line of making false allegations against your family: protect your family. God, in the Old Testament calls for the punishment attempted upon the innocent, to go to the one who made the false allegations. If the allegations would have had you in jail, your kids in CPS custody, or worse . . . it is probably high time to cut that person(s) out of your lives. Forgive them, that you may not grow bitter. Pray for them heartily, still. But do not subject your marriage or family to someone who has proven they want to destroy it.
It is God's commandment for the husband to protect his family. It is one of your husband's two primary functions in life: to provide for and protect his family. . . even when it means the extreme of cutting out extended (or close) family members. Help your husband by being supportive of his responsibility to God: to protect you and your children, even if it is from your own family or his.
To enable you to do this, bask in God's Word's frequently.
Remember, you are part of a NEW family made up solely of you, your husband, and children:
Genesis 2:24
"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."
Remember, your husband needs to provide and protect, as God commands him, no matter whom it may be from, and it is your job as his wife to support and encourage him in all of his endeavors to obey God, without looking back, (as Jesus Himself convicts us to do):
Luke 9: 61-62
61And another also said, Lord, I will follow thee; but let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home at my house.
62And Jesus said unto him, No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.
Hopefully your issues with in-laws are not nearly as extreme as mine are (we are dealing with ACTIVE OFFENDERS). With God's help: some good guidance from The Bible and the chapter, "When In-Laws Become Outlaws" by Mrs. Peale in her "Secrets of Staying in Love", you can work through some very difficult situations. However, occasionally, it is necessary to cut people out of your lives to protect your marriage and family. God is pleased when we obey Him, thus, He will be pleased with your husband fulfilling his duty to protect his family from evil-doers.
Sometimes seeking God's will and striving to obey God causes us to leave blood relatives or close friends behind, but if we are seeking God's will, we must stay the course. Many others world-wide have given much more than we have for the cause of Christ. Jesus informs us again, speaking to Peter in Mark 10:28-30:
28Then Peter began to say unto him, Lo, we have left all, and have followed thee.
29And Jesus answered and said, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my sake, and the gospel's,
30But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.
30But he shall receive an hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters, and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in the world to come eternal life.
Following our Lord Jesus will surely not always be the easiest way. Following our husbands, supporting them through all types of circumstances may seem nearly impossible at times. However, the rewards and promises given by our Lord far out-weigh any price we pay. Love your God and your husband. Communicate with them and support them with your words, thoughts and deeds, no matter the cost.
REFERENCE VERSES:
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
1 Thessalonians 4: 10-11
11And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;
12That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing.
Deuteronomy 19: 16-21
16If a false witness rise up against any man to testify against him that which is wrong;
17Then both the men, between whom the controversy is, shall stand before the LORD, before the priests and the judges, which shall be in those days;
18And the judges shall make diligent inquisition: and, behold, if the witness be a false witness, and hath testified falsely against his brother;
19Then shall ye do unto him, as he had thought to have done unto his brother: so shalt thou put the evil away from among you.
20And those which remain shall hear, and fear, and shall henceforth commit no more any such evil among you.
21And thine eye shall not pity; but life shall go for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.
Proverbs 20:19 (King James Version)
19He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lips.
